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The United State of Tu14:09 Sep 29 2012
Times Read: 841
I’m thinking of starting my own country…I really cannot see any other way to rid my world of all the current problems…racial tensions and hatred…political tensions and hatred…religious tensions and hatred…you know…the popular troubles.
I know what you’re thinking…”How Mr. Tu? How in the world will your country not have problems such as those?!”…well…I think my first amendment/law in my “Constitution” will eliminate those and also a bevy of others and that first amendment /law is simply this…
”One shall not shit on another for any reason and any violation of this amendment /law will result in the permanent expulsion (with any and all force deemed necessary) from The United State of Tu.”.
Do you see just how simple and brilliant that is?! My first amendment /law takes care of almost…almost…any issue be it political…racial…social…or religious.
Oh I know…I’m way ahead of you…be patient…let’s move on.
Now you know I understand the vastly different psychosis of the human animal…the vastly different tastes and ideologies. The first amendment /law more than adequately cures the problem of different religions..a Christian cannot crap on a Muslim…a Muslim cannot crap on a Jew…a Jew cannot crap on a Hindu…Atheists are just ducky…so forth and so on…but…I need yet another amendment /law to address the undoubtedly rising problem of social taste and that amendment /law is…
”Psychosis of A Feather Flock Together and any violation of this amendment /law will result in the permanent expulsion (with any and all force deemed necessary) from The United State of Tu.”.
What this amendment /law simply means is this…should you want to build your home out of beer cans…that’s fine…but…you are going to have to do such in “Kookville”…should you want to dig a hole and live underground like a mole…again…”Kookville” is the place for you! “Kookville” will be located on a shore just like the rest…”Creativeville”…”Middleville”…”Mansionville”…”Snobbyville”…”Harleyville” and of course my own palatial domicile will be located and heavily fortified on a nice section of beach all by itself (Perk for being “High Exalted Executor”…just like in Sim City!).
Before we move on I think we better take another look at my first amendment /law in my “Constitution”.
”One shall not shit on another for any reason and any violation of this amendment /law will result in the permanent expulsion (with any and all force deemed necessary) from The United State of Tu.”…let’s keep that in mind shall we?
Oh ho ho ho…I hear you my future subjects! “What are you going to do about racial tension and hatred oh High Exalted Executor?!”….fair enough question. And the answer…the remedy as it were…is yet another amendment /law (Actually my first mandate/law cures this ill…but...) in my “Constitution” and that amendment /law is…
”Thou shall not hate whitey and any violation of this amendment /law will result in the permanent expulsion (with any and all force deemed necessary) from The United State of Tu.”.
What this amendment /law simply means is this…any race is welcome and acceptable in… The United State of Tu…as long as past racial hatred and bigotry is left behind. See…my very own races history is as well steeped in slavery…rape and murder….had their lands taken. My…“People”…knew every facet of human depravity…greed and humiliation. So your High Exalted Executor deems that if I…whitey…can live without haranguing my races past oppressors…so can all other races…well…if you wish to live in “The United State of Tu” that is.
Let’s review my burgeoning “Constitution”
”One shall not shit on another for any reason and any violation of this amendment /law will result in the permanent expulsion (with any and all force deemed necessary) from The United State of Tu.”.
”Psychosis of A Feather Flock Together and any violation of this amendment /law will result in the permanent expulsion (with any and all force deemed necessary) from The United State of Tu.”.
”Thou shall not hate whitey and any violation of this amendment /law will result in the permanent expulsion (with any and all force deemed necessary) from The United State of Tu.”.
HOT DAMN! My “Constitution” shaped up nicely…wouldn’t you say? VALHALLA!
Let us brainstorm on what The United State of Tu is going to need to get up and running.
I’m thinking a nice medium sized island…meaning…roughly the size of…let’s say…ohhhhh…Ohio. We’ll need masons…steel workers…agriculturists (farmers)… electricians…older women to work the fields…beer…steak and broccoli and cheese…waste treatment managers…a few billionaires wouldn’t hurt…heavy equipment operators…constructionists…manufacturers…a Mercedes dealership…a nuclear power plant…Fudge Stripes…hot babes…dogs and cats go without saying really…a fully functional military (overseen by your High Exalted Executor.)…Pepsi…computer technicians…wifi…a Walmart…a Kroger…Thanksgiving and Christmas…swing sets…doctors (all types)…dentists (all types)…AMC…schools (High and College)…Firemen…a monetary or barter system (I think I’d look great on a note of currency)…of course we’ll have to come up with a pledge and national song (something brooding would be nice)…a national symbol (think bat)…motorcycles…upscale boutiques…oil…lots and lots of oil…air conditioning…fans…bars…a railroad…cameras…a television station…a film company…mosquito repellent…board games (think Monopoly)…sloppy joes…tacos (with the appropriate number of sauce packets)…a foundry…a seaport…cranes…tow motors (forklift)…a Wendy’s (gotta have that chili)…stoves…televisions…toilets…sinks…showers etc…and I’m thinking two nuclear warheads on intercontinental ballistic missiles…so they take The United State of Tu seriously.
*Strokes chin*…This could work!
Kittens And Chainsaws11:24 Sep 28 2012
Times Read: 851
I want to expound on a subject that has bothered me for decades…I cannot say day after day (although it seems such)…but realistically…more than likely…week after week…an ongoing irritation that threatens my very sanity. Threatens to rip apart my massive logical mind and I can honestly say…an issue that has caused me to lose sleep…that has tossed and turned me for hours on end as I try…as futile as it just may be… to understand.
A math based issue that is so simplistic…so…unbelievably easy that the idea of non-understanding…of failure to comply…stretches the imagination to impossible lengths…and for yours truly…that is truly next to impossible. You are more likely to be struck by lightning…to become a Dictator of a third world country…to ride an elephant sized tarantula through a blinding snow storm in Vegas during the height of summer before I fail to understand a “Flight of Fancy”. My imagination takes me to places you’ve never dreamed or could possibly understand! So…when an anomaly to imagination, intelligence and logic rears its ugly…ugly head…I curl up into the fetal position on my bed and whisper over and over…~Make it go away~…~Make it go away~…~Make it go away~…
…*Lights a cigarette*…*puff puff puff*…But…it doesn’t go away…oh no no no…it doesn’t go away…there it is to torture me…
THREE PACKETS OF HOT SAUCE FOR THREE TACOS!!! THREE!! THREE THREE THREE!!! It’s making me so crazy that the typed word “Three” doesn’t even look right to me! Does it? “Three”?! It looks like what an alien fowl would screech as it flew into your escape hatch…”Three ThrEE ThReE THREE!”…~Thud~.
Who would only use TWO packets of hot sauce for THREE tacos?! Who could possibly measure out from TWO hot sauce packets…with their thumbs…equal amounts of said sauce for THREE tacos?! It takes THREE packets of hot sauce for the required noshing of THREE tacos! Does it get any easier?! Huh?! It is mandatory that…at the very least…ONE hot sauce packet per taco! Oh sure…sure…TWO hot sauce packets per taco would be ideal…but…let’s not get crazy here…we cannot expect TWO hot sauce packets per taco when it seems even ONE packet of hot sauce per taco is an impossibility! Am I wrong here? It…is…simple…math…three and three!!
Oh I can hear you like bees in my brain…”Why don’t you check your order for the right number of hot sauce packets before you leave the drive thru window, Mr. Tu?”…fair enough question…I’ll tell you why not…
That’s just an insult…is it not? The Drive Thru Window attendant is going to stand there watching you…watch your distrust in said attendant’s abilities (Though rightly questioned) after they’ve laboriously procured your order…one might as well shout as soon as they reach the Drive Thru Window…”HEY DIPSHIT…MAKE SURE I GET ONE PACKET OF HOT SAUCE PER TACO!”…of course…should you do that…I would be very afraid of what ingredient was included in my tacos. I don’t want to be the untrusting…difficult…customer. I have an innate faith (Though rightly questioned) that the most incompetent of persons understand the concept of “Three And Three”! Besides…I’ve witnessed in many a Fast Food line the customer in front of me do just that. I can see them…head bent down…pawing through their bags of goodies…(Get going…get going!)…pawing…pawing…(Get going…get gOing…GET GOING!)…paw paw paw…and it makes me want to beat their brains in with an aluminum baseball bat! So…therefore…I will not be guilty of this action personally.
So…as you can see…I have no choice but to throw my bag on the passenger seat and start my journey home…all the while praying to Demeter (Greek God of Food) in hushed whispers…~Please let there be three packets of hot sauce for my three tacos… please let there be three packets of hot sauce for my three tacos… please let there be three packets of hot sauce for my three tacos.~…there never is.
Alright…ALRIGHT…in the name of fairness…there have been times I received FOUR packets of hot sauce for my THREE tacos…BUT…you see…then I had ONE packet of hot sauce that had to be equally distributed… again with my thumbs…over THREE tacos! PREPOSTEROUS! All I want to do…*sighs*…is nosh my tacos in a mathematically correct meal…I don’t want to have to take a class in “Weights And Measurements”…simply give me THREE packets of hot sauce for THREE tacos!
And by the way…the packet labeled “Hot Sauce” starts with the letter “H”…NOT “M”! What do they teach you at TBU?!
C=ngl215:36 Sep 11 2012
Times Read: 866
We all know E=mc2…right? Einstein? Ring a bell? Something about energy…mass…speed of light…blah blah blah. Well…although E=mc2 was a brilliant scientific insight by Albert (that’s Einstein)…it pales in comparison by the unbelievable…gigantic…earth shattering…psychological formula that yours truly (by means of my massive simian intellect) has…not 10 minutes ago…discovered.
I give you…C=ngl2!
Now…when I wore a younger mans clothes (obligatory Billy Joel reference) I can remember seeing tiny old men…tiny old men that were dresses incredibly odd. Remember my piece about “Paul Aubry”? The little old man I used to see and booze with at “Party In The Park” in Toledo? You remember…he wore the checkered suit jacket with a striped shirt augmented with a pot holder (sporting a feather) on his head? A very odd combination for any event. We’ve all seen tiny old men like this…knee high white socks with sandals…stained undershirt …baggy dingy shorts…you get the idea…you’ve seen them. And every time I’ve seen one of them, I’ve thought to myself…*Why?*…*Are they poor?*…*Perhaps the old gaffer doesn’t own a mirror?*…*Is he insane?* Actually….I asked that last one to Paul…I said to him…”Paul, are you insane…you are dressed awfully odd.”…Paul said…”I’m not a slave to fashion.”…he became one of my heroes at that moment. I digress…
Why…why why why…why do they dress this way? And the answer to that question hit me like a bolt of lightening this very morning…C=ngl2.
I arrived home from work…donned my “Mickey Mouse” shorts (A gift from Paulie.)…(What?)…(NO…not the “Paul” above…this “Paulie” was a woman!)…(What?)…( Come on…”Mike”…”Michael”…”Mickey”…she used to call me “Mickey”…she thought the shorts were cute…I miss her calling me that.). Alright… I arrived home from work…donned my “Mickey Mouse” shorts…fired up my recording computer…reached for a cigarette…and…I’M OUT OF SMOKES!! OH GOOD LORD!!!
Now I have to get dressed again and go buy cigarettes! Jesus!! So…I drag myself out of my recording bedroom…pull on the closest jeans from the floor.
My mind whispered…*Hey…they’re kind of dirty.*.
I whispered back…*It doesn’t matter…it’s not like we’re going to get laid.*.
Then I had to find a shirt.
My mind whispered…*Just pull on that old hooded sweatshirt*.
I whispered back…*Good idea…it’s not like we’re going to get laid.*.
I asked myself…*What about our hair?*.
My mind whispered…*Just put it in a ponytail and wear a hat…good job by the way.*.
I whispered back…*Great idea and shut up…it’s not like we’re going to get laid!*.
Now all I needed were shoes.
My mind whispered…*Just put on that pair with no shoe laces…it’s easier…it’s not like we’re going to get laid…right?*
I whispered back…*Right.*
So off we went to buy cigarettes…as we walked in the store…I noticed a little kid staring at us…and that is the moment…C=ngl2…sprang into being!! C=ngl2! C=ngl2! C=ngl2! C=ngl2!
CARE EQUALS NEVER GETTING LAID SQUARED!!!! C=ngl2!! Write it down guys! C=ngl2 is coming for you!
Toe People15:42 Sep 08 2012
Times Read: 885
I think there’s a new “Online Dating Site Photograph” phenomenon happening. I can remember seeing this type of photograph every once in a blue moon…perhaps it was the very same woman that I perused multiple times, but I didn’t see it as much as I am now.
I was just on a “Let’s See Who Won’t Talk To Me Now” jaunt in “Plenty Of Fish”…what? Oh yeah…I forgot…in “My Cup Of Fish”…and I saw 5 women with this exact same photograph! I’m not at all sure how, or why this is happening. Do you ladies compare? Do you try to “One Up” each other in the creative photograph realm? I’m not even sure why a woman would take such a photograph.
“Well what the hell is the picture of Mr. Tu?”…I mystically hear you ask. I’ll tell you.
The woman lies on her back in one aquatic setting or another…a pool…the beach seems popular…and must then set her camera on her…her…zippidy-do-dah region and then takes a photograph of her mid thighs on down to her little toes, with of course a body of water in the background. Legs and toes and water and from here on in this post will be known as a “LTW” photograph.
I look at this type of photograph…an “LTW”…and wonder…why. Are women really that proud of their little painted piggies? Is this some type of European chic’ that I have no knowledge of? Or…do women believe that most men have feet fetishes and they are trying to be provocative? Sexy? Alluring? Is that it? Is…that…it?! Have you really given any thought to what that really means?
I…being “The Heterosexual Professor”…can tell you what that really means. Allow me to enlighten you.
Now…there are men that do have feet fetishes…feet are their thing…feet…is what turns them on! So…for them to be viewing your “LTW” photograph is extremely erotic. For one such as I…you would have to be showing me your breasts and nipples to have an equivalent! Plus I wouldn’t care what the background was! THIS IS GROSSLY UNFAIR DAMNIT! Why should “Feetmen” have their wildest dreams met and not the rest of we men?! Huh? Can you tell me why?!
The more I think on this the more unjust this is becoming! I know damn well that if any woman was out on a date…even a first date…and the man asked…”Sweetheart, why don’t you slip those pumps off and relax?”…you’d have your feet out of those heels faster than Bawny Fwank leaving a Honky Tonk! I bet you would even let him give those feet a vigorous massage!! JESUS!
Oh sure…sure…let me try to get away with the equivalent? ”Sweetheart, why don’t you slip your breasts and nipples out of that blouse and bra and relax?”…that would be the end of that date! And you sure as hell can bet no vigorous massaging would be happening!! THIS…IS…BULLSHIT!
OMG…the more my giant simian intellect reflects…dissects…probes this travesty the worse it gets!! I bet “Old Feetmen” have no trouble getting some young honey bunny to let them massage said bunnies feet! Those bastards get to have those young…firm…feet…in their hands…kneading…caressing…massaging…rubbing….tugging…OOOoOOooo tugging! I bet after a bit they can even get in a suck or two…just “Playing Around” of course! SON…OF…A…BITCH!
The equivalent? There’s no justice in the universe…no justice.
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COMMENTS
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Sulks
14:19 Sep 29 2012
HAHAHAHA! Great journal.
Do I need a passport though? I wanna visit this wonderful place but be warned...I'm gonna sue if my freedom-to-shit-on people is revoked, m'kay?
MeanMeanMrTu
18:31 Sep 29 2012
But...you don't have the freedom to shit on people.
Sulks
21:44 Sep 30 2012
but...but...but...the Constitution says...
*humph*